Journey of 1,000 Steps or Something

I really don’t want this to become a cancer blog. But there is a lot happening and it feels like it’s happening very fast. I am aware that the speed has to do with the novelty. (There’s probably direct correlation there. New, unfamiliar things feeling faster because there’s so much more to process?) But that notwithstanding, I do believe that there is a particular profundity to what is happening right now and I don’t want to miss it. I want to have this to look back on later.

Something particular that happens when you tell people you have cancer is there is a jumping to action. It feels almost suffocating to have a responsibility to the people around you and their emotions. I only feel that responsibility because I care about them. They matter. But I also have to be mindful of my own emotions and my primary responsibilities to myself and my own health. I do know that I am not responsible for anyone else’s emotions.

Then, there are the people who desire to help you (let’s make sure you do all the things and follow all the instructions! This will keep you safe!) and minimize the possibility of their experiencing pain. That is not a dig in any way. The pain they would feel is because they care for you and that is great. However, I feel weirdness around knowing that they want to help and other in many cases isn’t anything for them to do. And then the other side of the coin is people offering stuff that you didn’t know you wouldn’t want. So, knowing that, I am intentionally accepting help. I’m starting with “yes, I will accept assistance”instead of “no, I got it.” Entirely unfamiliar to be on this side of it but still okay.

Lastly, I am aware that I have a particular kind of currency right now. It feels a little stupid, but I do know that it’s real and I don’t want to abuse it or misuse it. I also know that it has a utility that I will actually need even if I don’t know why I will need it. This isn’t something that is done by oneself. In no way, and at no point are you ever alone. Even if I didn’t tell anyone, I still have an entire cancer department of a major hospital, working on my behalf. There are no less than 30 or 40 people who aren’t working to make this work who are trying to help me. I don’t know all their names and I won’t meet most of them but that’s what makes the help love and support from friends, so precious. Their entire job is to take care of me as a person, while my medical team is responsible for taking care of me as a patient

This is going to be a journey.